EH S2 E12: Special "We get the most unsubscribe requests, but carry on anyway" Edition
from Ann Telnaes
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CAMBRIDGE, MA (The Borowitz Report)—To show thanks for making its approval rating soar, Harvard University announced on Thursday that it would award Donald J. Trump an honorary doctorate.
The Ivy League institution, deeply despised by Americans since its founding in 1636, released a statement thanking Trump for his “game-changing service to Harvard.”
In the statement, Harvard said that it had received Trump’s biggest public relations boost since the one he bestowed on Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the Oval Office.
“Donald J. Trump may not have built a wall with Mexico or annexed Canada,” the statement read. “But he has done something far more monumental: made Americans like Harvard.” ----Andy Borowitz
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‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes
Published:
CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars, it’s all right here,” said Hughes, referring to a virtually illegible tax form on which he clearly entered his zip-code in the space intended for his number of dependents, deducted his social security number from his withholding, and had somehow managed to follow the tax reporting procedure for a major military contracting business. “Wow! I didn’t think the benefits from the new tax laws kicked in until next year, but I guess this must be making up for all those years when I got nothing back at all.” At press time, Hughes’ enthusiasm was dampened somewhat upon finding that he actually owed the state of Ohio $17 million in property taxes. (the onion)
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our defective president wants to bring back manufacturing
to the USofA....remember when we made things here?
this 1960s era electric item was recently uncovered from
a cellar box in Pennsylvania.
no doubt, today's
models of vibrators are now made in China and will
become quite pricey very soon. Now is the time to stock
up, ladies (& gents).
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Neoclassical Gem
Published:
Since its construction in the late 18th century, this historic mansion has always been available to the highest bidder.
Reference #19827
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from Andy B, this just in:
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump stirred controversy on Friday by claiming that his son Eric was former President Joe Biden’s fault.
Responding to a reporter’s question about Eric, Trump shot back, “That was Biden. That wasn’t Trump.”
“I took office on January 20,” he continued. “That person [Eric] was already around.”
Reached for comment at his home in Delaware, Biden said, “I’d rather be blamed for the recession.”
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Pete Hegseth: ‘There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship’
Published:
WASHINGTON—Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, “There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship.” “Communication is key in every strong marriage, and that includes communication about airstrikes on foreign adversaries,” said the Pentagon chief, who called the mere idea of withholding classified information from one’s spouse “toxic” and “unhealthy.” “In fact, when I told my therapist we were attacking the Houthis, the first thing he asked me was ‘Did you tell your wife?’ The real scandal would have been not telling her. I mean, if she’d had war plans, I would’ve wanted her to text me.” Hegseth added that the best marital advice he had ever received was to never go to bed without saying you’re going to bomb Yemen. (The Onion)
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(volume on bottom centre)
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Song du Jour: I Like Chinese (spotify required)
do you want to know how the story ends?
stay with ELDER HOSTILE to find out
.....................there's FEH, MEH, and now there's EH
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