THE HAGUE (The Borowitz Report)—Raising eyebrows on the final day of the NATO summit, Donald J. Trump said on Wednesday that if he is not awarded the Nobel Peace Prize he will bomb Norway.
Warning Norway against “treating me very unfairly,” Trump argued that he deserved the Peace Prize for “dropping a million bombs on Iran.”
He demanded that Norway “hand over the Peace Prize or be obliterated,” adding, “If you Norwegian fuckers fuck with me, you will be fucking fucked.”
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Peter Thiel Shows Trump How To Sort Spreadsheet Of Americans By Ethnicity (the onion)
Published:
WASHINGTON—Stressing that it would be simplest to troubleshoot now during the onboarding process for his company’s surveillance technology, Palantir founder Peter Thiel reportedly spent Tuesday morning showing President Donald Trump how to sort a spreadsheet of Americans by ethnicity. “So what’s neat is that you can just do command-shift-E and rank every single resident from whitest to least,” said the billionaire libertarian, leaning over the commander-in-chief’s shoulder and demonstrating how simple it was to use a drop-down menu to search for undesirable ethnic characteristics among the more than 340 million names on display. “Nope, that’s religion, Mr. President. You want to be over in column E. I went ahead and separated the Jews from the regular Caucasians for you. Oh, sure, I guess you can call them that if you want. That’s what the label section is for.” At press time, reports confirmed a flustered Thiel was attempting to answer the president’s question on whether deleting a person from the spreadsheet would also delete them in real life.
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What if? remember last year when EH proposed the Province of NYNEX ?
Most likely Canadian party affiliations:
Over time, [a long time], we new englanders could eventually learn how to become more polite to each other; and not drive like escapees from an institution and under pursuit. it wouldn't be the worst outcome, would it? just sayin'.......... The Great Province of NYNEX, proud to become the 11th in Canada! it has a nice ring to it. Let us know how you feel. We read all the letters here at ELDER HOSTILE. then we don't know what happens after that. Keep 'em comin'. ---mm
and then there's this, received last night via gmail from the Social Security Administration:
Social Security Applauds Passage of Legislation Providing Historic Tax Relief for Seniors
The Social Security Administration (SSA) is celebrating the passage of the One Big, Beautiful Bill, a landmark piece of legislation that delivers long-awaited tax relief to millions of older Americans.
The bill ensures that nearly 90% of Social Security beneficiaries will no longer pay federal income taxes on their benefits, providing meaningful and immediate relief to seniors who have spent a lifetime contributing to our nation's economy.
“This is a historic step forward for America’s seniors,” said Social Security Commissioner Frank Bisignano. “For nearly 90 years, Social Security has been a cornerstone of economic security for older Americans. By significantly reducing the tax burden on benefits, this legislation reaffirms President Trump’s promise to protect Social Security and helps ensure that seniors can better enjoy the retirement they’ve earned."
The new law includes a provision that eliminates federal income taxes on Social Security benefits for most beneficiaries, providing relief to individuals and couples. Additionally, it provides an enhanced deduction for taxpayers aged 65 and older, ensuring that retirees can keep more of what they have earned.
Social Security remains committed to providing timely, accurate information to the public and will continue working closely with federal partners to ensure beneficiaries understand how this legislation may affect them.
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morris mishegoss, your faithful editor at ELDER HOSTILE
remember what our inspirational founder used to say---
******** when you invent the language, you know how to really use it well. god love the brits! 9999999999999999999999 here at EH we keep a statue of our president on our office windowsill to remind us what America now stands for we know, we know. we get a lot of letters in the mail.....you ask where the fuck are you, EH? it's been since 9/16 and no ELDER HOSTILE post? wtf? you call yourself a good business model? meh! well, you are correct to feel that way, as now we know more about you than you know about yourself and trained you to become attached. as for the absence, we have a slew of valid excuses up the wazoo....to wit three: a little surgery to a lower back slowed us down a bit, tho' we kinda liked the feelings we had during anastasia (sic) . things were more peaceful whilst under it compared to facing without. we remember blurting while making the transition from unconsciousness to consciousness, coming out from u...
SHOCKING NEWS !!!! attempted murder made on our beloved editor, morris mishegoss !!!! 8 spent gun shells on desk after attack at precisely 8:07 am today, shortly after finishing his prescribed "eat me if you know what's good for you!"* breakfast diet regimen, an intruder made its way into our EH corporate headquarters, bypassing security personnel, and shot our beloved editor 8 times at point blank range, no more distance than John Wilkes Booth's performance. six shots entered our beloved's brain and two severed his spinal column. (L5 and L6 for the record, if you must know) mishegoss is resting comfortably after surgery in a single private room at a Harvard teaching hospital and doctors are convinced he will be back at his desk in no time...."good as new most likely in a couple of days" says his chief sturgeon, Dr. Justin Nextogod MD & his very successful LLC the perpetrator, immediately after the shots were fired, was swiftly attacked by a larg...
and, in Breaking Nation News : Trump Campaigns and woos the American Roman Catholic vote for next November's midterm election Donny Takes on the Big Guy ........from the Windy City? ..... "good fookin' luck, pallie!" --- Rocco from the 3rd Ward, South Side of Chicago ********************************* Is that Jeffrey ? or this? follow up interview.... Did you post that picture of you as Jesus? &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& from barry blitt &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& news analysis section: Strait of Hormones Explained ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ donny's family and friends understand the concept of "timing your buy and sell orders" Goldman Sachs reported a 14% year-on-year increase in net revenue, to $17bn, and a 19% rise in net profit, to $5.6bn, in the first quarter. Its markets division...
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