THE HAGUE (The Borowitz Report)—Raising eyebrows on the final day of the NATO summit, Donald J. Trump said on Wednesday that if he is not awarded the Nobel Peace Prize he will bomb Norway.
Warning Norway against “treating me very unfairly,” Trump argued that he deserved the Peace Prize for “dropping a million bombs on Iran.”
He demanded that Norway “hand over the Peace Prize or be obliterated,” adding, “If you Norwegian fuckers fuck with me, you will be fucking fucked.”
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Peter Thiel Shows Trump How To Sort Spreadsheet Of Americans By Ethnicity (the onion)
Published:
WASHINGTON—Stressing that it would be simplest to troubleshoot now during the onboarding process for his company’s surveillance technology, Palantir founder Peter Thiel reportedly spent Tuesday morning showing President Donald Trump how to sort a spreadsheet of Americans by ethnicity. “So what’s neat is that you can just do command-shift-E and rank every single resident from whitest to least,” said the billionaire libertarian, leaning over the commander-in-chief’s shoulder and demonstrating how simple it was to use a drop-down menu to search for undesirable ethnic characteristics among the more than 340 million names on display. “Nope, that’s religion, Mr. President. You want to be over in column E. I went ahead and separated the Jews from the regular Caucasians for you. Oh, sure, I guess you can call them that if you want. That’s what the label section is for.” At press time, reports confirmed a flustered Thiel was attempting to answer the president’s question on whether deleting a person from the spreadsheet would also delete them in real life.
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What if? remember last year when EH proposed the Province of NYNEX ?
Most likely Canadian party affiliations:
Over time, [a long time], we new englanders could eventually learn how to become more polite to each other; and not drive like escapees from an institution and under pursuit. it wouldn't be the worst outcome, would it? just sayin'.......... The Great Province of NYNEX, proud to become the 11th in Canada! it has a nice ring to it. Let us know how you feel. We read all the letters here at ELDER HOSTILE. then we don't know what happens after that. Keep 'em comin'. ---mm
and then there's this, received last night via gmail from the Social Security Administration:
Social Security Applauds Passage of Legislation Providing Historic Tax Relief for Seniors
The Social Security Administration (SSA) is celebrating the passage of the One Big, Beautiful Bill, a landmark piece of legislation that delivers long-awaited tax relief to millions of older Americans.
The bill ensures that nearly 90% of Social Security beneficiaries will no longer pay federal income taxes on their benefits, providing meaningful and immediate relief to seniors who have spent a lifetime contributing to our nation's economy.
“This is a historic step forward for America’s seniors,” said Social Security Commissioner Frank Bisignano. “For nearly 90 years, Social Security has been a cornerstone of economic security for older Americans. By significantly reducing the tax burden on benefits, this legislation reaffirms President Trump’s promise to protect Social Security and helps ensure that seniors can better enjoy the retirement they’ve earned."
The new law includes a provision that eliminates federal income taxes on Social Security benefits for most beneficiaries, providing relief to individuals and couples. Additionally, it provides an enhanced deduction for taxpayers aged 65 and older, ensuring that retirees can keep more of what they have earned.
Social Security remains committed to providing timely, accurate information to the public and will continue working closely with federal partners to ensure beneficiaries understand how this legislation may affect them.
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morris mishegoss, your faithful editor at ELDER HOSTILE
remember what our inspirational founder used to say---
yes, sports fans, it has been just over a year since you were savagely abused by this blog. can you believe it? how time flies when you're having fun, yes? so, there were a multitude of reasons you were deprived (we love that word so much---and a bonus, so close to depraved) .....back to business: the editorial staff has had a good rest* ; plus, our keyboard finger tips have totally healed from their sorry state over one year ago; a lot has changed in the year that's gone by, no? Biggest headline in business news was that majority ownership of MishegossGroup Ltd has been purchased by our new parent owner, and, loyal benevolent master: EH will be headquartered out of our Dublin, Ireland HQs future issues will be published with "from time to time" frequency if you haven't kept your subscription updated, please send money we have been assured, by a whole mess of crooked lawyers that going forward, FFO will never, never, ever change ...
Roz Chast --------------------------------------------------------------- a very HOPPY STORY for Easter 🐰🐰🐰🐰 @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ (special advice column contribution) How to Be a Happy 85-Year-Old (Like Me) April 13, 2025, By Roger Rosenblatt & Tommy Shelby Mr. Rosenblatt is the author of “Rules for Aging.” Tommy Shelby is a complex dude in Pinky Blinders. Roger: In 2000, I published a book called “Rules for Aging,” a sort of how-to guide for navigating the later years of one’s life. I was 60 at the time and thought that I knew a thing or two about being old. Twenty-five years later, I just finished a sequel, which reflects my advice for growing very, very old. (I have been doing a lot of that lately.) It took me 85 years to learn these things, but I believe they’re applicable at any age. 1. Nobody’s thinking about you. It was true 25 years ago, and it’s true today. Nobody is thinking about you. Nobody ever will. Not your teacher, not your minister, not...
well, today here at ELDER HOSTILE we had some excitement on the working floor. emergency delicate C-section surgery was performed on our employee who works as a contracted & hourly basis in the airfreight transportation department. it was totally unexpected but something we had to do; there were no alternatives left for us. she was fully dilated and making a racket "cheep, cheep, cheep" for four hours of full-throated non-stop labor. All's well that ends well though. Here is Clara in recovery at 1:02 pm with her new brood of 3. They are thriving & ready to tackle climate change, the poison around them, and the asshole homo sapiens out there creating it. Life is a miracle, eh? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ here at ELDER HOSTILE, our crack research team has come up with a new Homo sapiens evaluation spectrum to add to the myriad of spectrums now in use here in the first quarter of the 21st century. who thou...
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