EH S3 E6: Flamingo, BABY!
Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!
it's a PINK FLAMINGO from Ukraine !!!!
Flamingo (the missile that is)
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BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTOS....
sneaking a few ZZZZ's at Costco while the family unit shops
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Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation
Published:
FLORENCE, SC—Lamenting his lack of foresight and preparation in choosing to have a full order of barbecued chicken wings without a proper supply of wiping materials, diner Eddie Schubert, 32, sat napkinless at his kitchen table Tuesday, staring in dismay at his grease-covered fingers while realizing he had trapped himself in a prison of his own creation. “What have I done?” said a visibly distraught Schubert, casting his gaze about the room for any tissue, paper towel, or absorbent sheet that might free him from the shackles of sticky sauce rendering him powerless. “I alone forged these chains, and now in greasy coin do I pay a steep price for my foolish recklessness. My only options are to break free using naught but my wits or to simply hand myself over to the whims of sticky Fate, and in so doing, perish.” It is not currently known whether Schubert has the fortitude necessary to make the ultimate sacrifice and wipe his hands on his pants, sacrificing his favorite pair of jeans but gaining his freedom.
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Report: More Americans Relying On Grandparents To Help Fuck Up Their Kids
Published:
BALTIMORE—According to a study released Wednesday by sociologists at Johns Hopkins University, an increasing number of parents across the country are relying on their own mothers and fathers to help them fuck up their children. “As economic concerns prompt more parents to work longer hours, many are turning to grandparents to assist them in crushing their children’s self-esteem and shaping them into confused, maladjusted adults,” said lead author Dr. Janine Thompkins, who noted that four in 10 grandparents are currently the family’s primary insult-givers to children. “Parents like knowing that while they’re at work, a trusted family member is satisfactorily filling in for them by shouting at their kids in line at the pharmacy or criticizing their weight in front of their friends. And we found that, in most cases, children emerge just as fucked up and traumatized from a grandparent’s constant belittlement as compared to that from their own mother or father.” Researchers noted that many cash-strapped families are receiving added relief from subsidized child care programs, which allow parents to drop off young children at local community centers to be fucked up by underpaid, uninterested daycare workers.
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KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—Giving helpful advice ahead of peace talks in Alaska, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy suggested on Monday that Donald J. Trump offer Vladimir Putin “full sovereignty” over the state of Florida.
“If you are considering some kind of ‘land swap’ for peace, Florida should be on the table,” Zelenskyy said. “With Florida, you have cards.”
Explaining his rationale for a Russian annexation of the Sunshine State, Zelenskyy said, “There are already so many Russian-speaking people there, especially the oligarchs and criminals around Mar-a-Lago.”
Speaking from the Kremlin, Putin said he would “consider” an offer of Florida, but only if it did not include ownership of Ron DeSantis.
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 “I can’t believe that the summer, and civilization, are almost over.” Cartoon by Chri
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Residents of Washington, DC are less afraid of the city’s homeless population than they are of accidentally running into Stephen Miller, according to a new poll released on Thursday. When asked, “What do you fear most?,” 4 percent said, “the homeless,” while 87 percent said, “Being seated at a restaurant next to Stephen Miller.” Describing her fear of encountering Miller, one poll respondent stated, “It’s the stuff of nightmares.” In another finding, 67 percent said they feared being hit by a car driven by Pete Hegseth. Atrocities Keep Getting In Frame Of D.C. Tourist’s ShotPublished: WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he wasn’t going to leave the nation’s capital without getting one good photograph, D.C. tourist Stan Jacobs expressed frustration Friday after atrocities kept getting in the frame of his shot. “All right, everyone, looking good—just wait two more seconds until all those military guys finish shooting their assault rifles and hop back into their big armored tank,” said a visibly impatient Jacobs, who asked his family to give him a “big smile” and “say cheese” just as several National Guardsmen, FBI agents, and DHS officers sprinted into the foreground and began physically assaulting dozens of people. “Excuse me, sir? I know you have to do your job and brutalize American citizens, but could you just do it a few feet to the right? I only need two seconds without it looking like I live under a fascist police state. Actually. Could you take our picture? Just try not to get any blood on the lens.” At press time, Jacobs was reportedly struggling to crop in on the photo to hide the fact that an active member of the U.S. military had just shot him in the chest several times.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what is being called a record-setting achievement, Ghislaine Maxwell was recognized on Monday as the only person in America who has never seen Donald J. Trump act inappropriately. That accomplishment, in addition to her claim that she only observed Trump acting like a gentleman, has landed the former socialite in the Guinness Book of World Records, a spokesperson for the record book announced. “We scoured our files looking for anyone else in the United States who has not seen Trump act inappropriately, and we came up empty,” the spokesperson, Harland Dorrinson, said. “It’s just Ghislaine.” “If Ms. Maxwell were a member of an indigenous people in Papua New Guinea with no access to media, this would be no big deal,” he added. “But in the United States, never witnessing Trump acting inappropriately makes her one in 340 million.” 0000000000000000000000000000000
  Republicans Accidentally Redraw Map of Texas to Make it Rejoin MexicoPlus: The Caption Contest Winner!
AUSTIN, TX (The Borowitz Report)—In what they called “an administrative error,” Republican lawmakers on Thursday accidentally redrew the map of Texas so that it rejoined Mexico. Minutes after the GOP legislators’ colossal error was revealed, their Democratic counterparts issued a statement from their hiding place in Illinois, commenting, “We leave the state for two days and this is what happens.” As millions of Americans celebrated the departure of the Lone Star State, Mexico offered this response to the Republicans’ unexpected gift of Texas: “No thank you.” (((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))) are you preparing for the NYNEX STATES OF AMERICA? watch for our next issue uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu |
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