EH S3 E9 : Special Issue FINALLY LASTING PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST

 

Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis

Published:

October 9, 2025

CAIRO—As part of a historic ceasefire agreement with Hamas following two years of war, the Israeli government reportedly agreed Thursday to go back to killing Palestinians on a less frequent basis. “In line with the terms of the deal, Hamas will release all remaining Israeli hostages, and Israel will still murder innocent Palestinian civilians on a regular basis, but at a slightly slower pace than we have been of late,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, ratifying the accord that would temporarily promote the systematic discrimination, dehumanization, and persecution of the Palestinian people over their outright genocide. “Once the hostages are freed, we will dial down the attacks on Gaza hospitals, schools, and aid centers by roughly 10%, give or take. I have had my staff lay out a less rigorous schedule for committing atrocities, and in the down time, the IDF can always fall back on horrific maiming practices and general torture. It was a major concession on my part, but I have been convinced that it’s the only way to get our people home safe, and for Israel to continue committing human rights violations without consequence.” Netanyahu assured the rest of the world it would soon go back to never hearing about the routine slaughter of the Palestinian people, as opposed to barely hearing about it.

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my orthopedic surgeons would appreciate this!

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"Keeping up with one's former industry" Column 

from the Onion:

Nation’s Independent Bookstore Owners Announce They Don’t Have It In Stock But Would Be Happy To Order It In For You

Published:

October 16, 2020

SAN FRANCISCO—After frowning at a screen for a full five minutes, the nation’s independent bookstore owners announced at a press conference Friday they unfortunately did not have that specific title in stock but would be more than happy to order it for you. “I’m afraid that one isn’t on our shelves right now; however, it is in print and, according to the information I have here, usually ships from the publisher within two to three weeks,” said 49-year-old James Lasalle, who, in unison with his 2,500 fellow operators of independent bookstores across the United States, reportedly muttered to himself for quite some time before looking up to explain that it was important for him to check on the computer in case the volume you asked about had simply been reshelved incorrectly by a careless browser. “If you want to give me your full name, address, phone number, email, and payment information, I can get started on your request and make sure it goes out with the batch of orders we’re placing next Wednesday. In the meantime, maybe I could interest you in the new Jodi Picoult? There’s a stack on the table right behind you.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s customers had placed the order with their independent bookstore and, just a few hours later, had grown impatient, broken down, and purchased a copy from an online retailer with next-day shipping. 

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another onion just in

New Evidence Proves First Flag Made By Betsy Ross Actually Shirt For Gay Friend

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meet EVelyn

well folks, it has finally happened----another big announcement: ELDER HOSTILE has finally upgraded its transportation department.  we retired & replaced our first vehicle purchased new back in 2004. it has just under 200k on the odo and has served us swimmingly well. our new selection was a big surprise to the staff here because our choice turned out to be an American brand: Chevrolet.  

Remember Dinah Shore singing "see the USA in a Chevrolet"?  back then a new car was the quintessential indicator you had joined the post war American middle class. it was a time when Madison Avenue sharpened its teeth on how to make you buy shit you really didn't need. 

This time our 2025 brand new Chevrolet has an engine made in Korea; the transmission and battery are made in China. 52% of the parts content is from outside the US & Canadia.  And, it's final assembly point is Ramos Arizpe, Cz Mexico.  [So much for Make America Great Again, hah.]  

but there's more to the story if you care to stay with us.....  back before hobbies, in 1982 my job in the field required that a company car be issued to me to enable me to do my job.  I was issued a white Chevrolet Malibu which immediately after delivery attempted many times to asphyxiate & murder me. (not enough time to get into that now)  in short, this vehicle was the perfect storm of so many things pressed against it: bad GM central management, brand newly trained workers, a virgin new plant, only mens and womens bathrooms....etc.  Labor/management relations at all the american brands was probably at its nadir since henry's River Rouge and this situation only intensified it.   back then at MIDLIFE HOSTILE we called our Malibu Christine, as in Stephen King's Christine.  mercifully, Christine was finally put out of her miserable service after a year and two months of its life by getting t-boned on mass avenue in cambridge outside the renowned Chang Sho chinese restaurant by an appropriately well-made Japanese Toyota.  thus, declared a "total loss" not a moment too soon.  it turns out that this torture-driven (no pun) car was the first model line to be made at the brand newly opened GM plant in Ramos Arizpe, Cz Mexico.  

after 43 years' time maybe they've figured out a thing or two down Mexico way.  we certainly hope so.  everyone deserves a second chance, ya know.  this is an ongoing story so remember to renew your subscription to find out more.  -ed (morris mishegoss)

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le onion:

Real-Life Dracula Recoils After Seeing Woman On Dating App Wearing Crucifix

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we've all been there too having deviant cravings...fr onion

Grown Man Licking Ice Cream Cone Placed On Sex Offender Registry

Published:

October 16, 2025

WELLS, ME—Stating that citizens had a right to be warned about the types of individuals residing in their area, authorities confirmed Thursday that they had placed 54-year-old William Barry onto a sex offender registry for being a grown man who had licked an ice cream cone. “The perpetrator committed an indecent act towards ice cream in broad daylight, where any child could have seen him,” said state police Capt. Robert Murphy, thanking witnesses who swiftly notified law enforcement after Barry allegedly extended his tongue outside Seaside Scoop Shop and repeatedly licked a scoop of strawberry ice cream. “What he did was wrong anywhere, but this was in a public place. He didn’t even attempt to get the ice cream in a dish. All he cared about was satisfying his deviant cravings. In the coming weeks, residents can expect Mr. Barry to go from door to door and inform them of his age, address, and predilection towards frozen treats.” Authorities added that Barry would also be required by law to stay at least 500 feet away from all ice cream parlors.

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this just in from betty johnston of des plains illinois:

I took Tylenol while autistic.  

Now my son is pregnant.

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a message to a son:

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do you want to know how the story ends?  

we do!

haven't we been spot on so far?

stay with ELDER HOSTILE to find out

to submarine, subsume, sublimate, or subjugate, just send an email to:

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you may unsubscribe at any time & must agree to our terms that if the big one drops, your subscription will get canceled automatically and no refunds will be issued

Remember our famous PWT motto by which we operate 24/7:

"Most people are stupid!"

morris mishegoss, your faithful editor at ELDER HOSTILE