EH S5 E1: POPE DONALD I* Week 1 of the American Papal Era (npns**)
fr ovr the pond
HUGO RIFKIND
My Week: Pope Donald I*
Thank you for your attention to this mitre!
Monday
The old pope LEONARDO is very FOOLISH and WEAK! I have thought this for a LONG TIME ever since he let Kate Winslet push him off that DOOR in TITANIC.
So, I have consulted with the greatest EXPERTS on Catholicism, including JD Vance and @catturd2 on X, and they have agreed that now I can be POPE instead!
And this will not even involve REGIME CHANGE by BOMBING the VATICAN and making a WHOLE CIVILISATION DIE. Even though this is probably what GOD WANTS.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!
Tuesday
Let me tell you, MY CHILD, there are going to be some changes. Pope Leo was VERY WEAK on CRIME. I don’t know where he got these WOKE ideas about FORGIVING PEOPLE from, but it doesn’t sound very CHRISTIAN to me. And CARDINAL VANCE says I’m right.
I basically do the job ALREADY. For example, I TURN the other CHEEK every morning, otherwise I’d only have SPRAY TAN on one of them.
Plus, I am already INFALLIBLE. According to JD this only works when the Pope speaks EX CATHEDRA. But you’re MAD if you think I’m going to let ANYONE put a TUBE up THERE!
The only GOOD thing about LEO is his OUTFIT, although some of my MAGA followers reckon it would look EVEN BETTER with a POINTY HOOD. I also can’t believe he’s wasted all that AMAZING REAL ESTATE of CHURCHES. Surely it is time to get some MONEYLENDERS into those? Particularly if what they are lending is CRYPTO!
Plus, don’t LISTEN to anyone who says this is not how POPES are usually chosen because there’s normally a PUFF of WHITE SMOKE. Have you not seen all the SMOKE in IRAN?
Wednesday
Something I won’t change much in the Vatican is the DECOR which often seems to have been INSPIRED by what I have done in the WHITE HOUSE. Although I do find quite a lot of it TOO NAKED.
Incidentally, perhaps you have noticed that many of the NAKED PEOPLE have BIG HANDS but are SMALL in OTHER AREAS. Thus proving that there is NO CORRELATION!
As preparation for my NEW ROLE, I have been learning about THE BIBLE which CARDINAL VANCE and I agree is often EXTREMELY FOOLISH, too. It’s all very well GOD saying you shouldn’t COVET your NEIGHBOUR’S ASS. But maybe he never saw this STRIPPER who lives NEXT DOOR in Mar-a-Lago.
The rest of it is ONE MISSED OPPORTUNITY AFTER ANOTHER. How come Noah had to build the ark? Where was NATO and the SUPPOSEDLY GREAT Royal Navy? And Jesus got a VERY BAD DEAL on the loaves and fishes. Also, what kind of IDIOT parts the Red Sea and doesn’t even LOOK for OIL?
Thursday
Really HOPING my new PAPACY will have the support of my next big visitor, KING CHARLES III, for the first time since WILLIAM OF ORANGE. I’d never heard of him, but he sounds like MY KINDA GUY!
Anyway, now I’m meeting with my PAPAL COUNCIL which is CARDINALS VANCE, HEGSETH and RUBIO and another guy who is a MONK.
“I’m actually not a monk,” says Stephen Miller. “I’m just bald.”
Then CARDINAL HEGSETH leads us all in a REALLY COOL PRAYER about VENGEANCE which comes from EZEKIEL.
“The patron saint,” says Hegseth, “of kicking ass!”
“Honestly,” says Vance. “I think you’re going to be the best Pope ever.”
You bet I am! Praise be to Allah!
Friday
Just realised I’ve been POPE for five days now and I haven’t told MELANIA. So I find her and I tell her we BADLY need to TALK.
Whatever, I tell her. I’m the POPE now. I’m basically God’s MAIN GUY on Earth! And infallible and EXTREMELY HOLY and WISE and able to work MIRACLES and stuff.
“And celibate?” says Melania.
“Wait, what?” I say.
“Hallelujah!” says Melania. “A miracle already! Amen.”
*according to Hugo Rifkind
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Andy B: Trump Loses Fight with Pope
If you paid even a penny in federal income tax last year, you paid more than:
Tesla
Southwest
Disney
Live Nation
HP
United
PayPal
CVS Health
Palantir
Citigroup
PG&E
3M
That's right. They paid $0 in federal income tax.
It's time for big corporations to pay their fair share.
"The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions"
Leonardo da Vinci
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TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In its first act of goodwill since the declaration of a ceasefire, on Wednesday Iran permitted a container ship loaded with copies of the Epstein files to pass through the Strait of Hormuz.
“In recent weeks, the closure of the Strait has cut off the world’s supply of Epstein files,” an Iranian government statement read. “Now, those files will flow freely to the four corners of the globe.”
Although Iran is charging vessels millions for safe passage through the Strait, “We are sending the Epstein files through free of charge,” the statement indicated.
The Iranians said they had taken Donald J. Trump's threat to destroy their civilization “very seriously,” noting, "We see what he's already done to American civilization."
do you want to know how the story ends?
stay with ELDER HOSTILE to find out le grand denouement
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